Thursday, June 14, 2007

Scenes from a TiTTi bar

Warning: The following blog post deviates somewhat from the usual sombre, measured tone of this blog. The post below contains descriptions of gross acts of immaturity, and laughing at funny names for parts of the human anatomy, particularly as uttered by oblivious Chinese ladies.

Act I

North-East China, a small industrial town, a bar, the outside covered in neon advertising drinks they don't sell, the inside smelling of fresh paint and scrawled with zodiac signs, gingham table cloths, and those fan things with the orange ribbons which are supposed to somehow call to mind flames.

Dramatis Personae:

Ben (a New Zealander, quiet, but radiating and understated aura of uncontrollable awesome)
Ian (a fellow from the UK. A slight predilection for tea and scones)
Andrew (an American, but a good guy none the less)
The Proprietor (a cheerily rotund Chinese woman in her late 30s, blissfully unaware of any meanings that the word 'TiTTi' might have in English)

Scene 1:

Ben, Ian
and Andrew, drawn like moths to a neon flame, approach the bar

Andrew, Ian, Ben: Hi! giggle

The Proprietor: TiTTi bar is not open yet! but come into TiTTi bar, foreigners love
TiTTi bar!

Andrew, Ian, Ben: Okay! snigger

The Proprietor: How do you like TiTTi bar? TiTTi bar is Liaoyang's newest and best bar!
TiTTi bar!

Andrew, Ian, Ben: Yeah, its uh, nice. barely restrained laughter

The Proprietor: Well I am very happy to welcome you to TiTTi bar! I hope you like TiTTi

Sometime later...

Ben: (noticing the conspicuous absence of the bar's namesake) So, uh, why did
you call this bar “TiTTi bar”

The Proprietor: Well, my cousin went to United States of America a few years ago, I told him
I wanted to open a bar, and asked him, “What is the best bar in the United
States”. He replied: “The TiTTi bar, American's LOVE the TiTTi bar”, so I
called my bar the TiTTi bar”

Ben, Ian, Andrew: Oh. I guess that makes sense guffawing, holding of sides, uncomfortable
squirming at the idea that if The Proprietor says 'TiTTi' one more time,
pants will be wet.

End Scene.

She also said at one point, slightly bewildered by our uncontrollable fits of laughter: "During the day I work as a teacher, but my dream has always been to open TiTTi bar"

Anyway, TiTTi bar opens for realz on Friday night. The Proprietor said we should bring some CDs, and she will have a karaoke machine set up.

Liaoyang will not know what hit it.

No comments: